Top Dragon Ball Z: Dragon Fist Explosion!! If Goku Won't Do It, Who Will?! (DBZ Movie 13) by Top Blogger

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Top Dragon Ball Z: Dragon Fist Explosion!! If Goku Won't Do It, Who Will?! (DBZ Movie 13) by Top Blogger

"Now, for Earth..."


We open on a police chase in what we can assume is Satan City, but given where most of this movie takes place, might also be Metro West. So, uh, you decide, quit putting all this shit on me. Three harden criminals seek to evade the police after some kind of deadly heist of some type.

Which deadly criminals? Why,

Lupin III's brother, one of those clones from Metal Gear, and Sean Astin from "Rudy".

But when you mess with the law in Satan City Metro West the Dragon World, you mess with--

The Great Saiyaman!!
Solid Boss Big Snake unloads a barrage of bullets at our hero --
-- but such is child's play for Saiyaman!
With a heave of his foot, the criminals are ejected from their car.
And Saiyaman's partner in love and war, Great Saiyaman II, is there to help!
"As long as there is evil in the world..." "... the light of justice will burn as a flame!"
"Great Saiyaman I!"
"Great Saiyaman II!"

With all the style and flair of a Japanese children's show, the villains are put down. And the Saiyamans alter egos, boyfriend and girlfriend Son Gohan and Videl, can head back to class at Orange Star High School. (Which is for sure in Satan City.)

"Sorry I took so long, the bathroom was packed!" Gohan apologizes, sheepishly.
"Gohan, we know who you are..." Shapner replies, with the kind of exhaustion of a man who has to repeat this every single day of his life.


But no sooner have they sat down than Videl gets a call to aid the police in rescuing a strange old man. He's climbed up a skyscraper still in construction, and is threatening to leap from the beam! And he keeps screaming about a music box. Frustrated the police can't handle suicide prevention without calling in her and Gohan, but given no choice, the hero couple leave to-- wait. That guy next to Videl.

... is he okay?

The old man in question is a strange alien named Hoi.
Gohan offers him a hand, but Videl is mad and tells him to stop being a pussy and jump.
He does, but Gohan saves him. He yells at Gohan for not doing it faster.


The truth is, Hoi has a strange music box which contains the hero of the Planet Conuts -- a noble warrior named Tapion. Hoi is worried about a great calamity which will soon befall Earth, and he needs help from Shen Long to open up the seal on Tapion's music box prison. He knows Gohan and Videl have had dealings with the Dragon Balls, and lured them out on purpose for that specifically.

And he isn't at all creepy and menacing when he explains this.

Sure enough, Gohan can't pry the music box open.
And neither can Goku.

Gohan and Videl brought the music box to Capsule Corp. (which is for sure in Metro West) for Bulma to examine. Bulma does some science-y things that confirm that, yes, it is made of stuff. Whatever that stuff is can't be opened by any means they have. Which means...

All seven are gathered (and Kuririn politely excuses himself from the rest of the movie),
and Shen Long is summoned.
He easily breaks the seal on Tapion's music box, which in turn breaks the box itself into pieces.
From which rise a figure straight out of Lodoss, the hero Tapion.
Hoi starts doing some sinister shit, but Tapion's ocarina playing stops him.
Tapion isn't happy to see Hoi.
He tells them that they've done a terrible thing, and then races away.
Trunks thinks that's super fucking cool.

So cool that he recruits Goten to go with him to follow Tapion. They trail him to an abandoned, derelict building.

And he's um, kind of intense.
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can't seem...
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Since everyone is gathered at Capsule Corp. today for the Dragon Balls, Bulma makes everyone BBQ. (It's her thing.)

Goku notices the boys under the grill swiping kabobs, and decides to help.
(Look at this dad. What a nice dad.)

They bring Tapion the food, and he reacts... about the same as before.
Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
 To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure...


But that night, the city goes haywire (whichever city this is) when a pair of giant monster legs attacks downtown.

The King Castle military are no use against it...
... so it's up to Gohan and Videl to take up the fight.
But before fighting the ghostly legs, Videl insists they do their poses.
"As long as the Great Saiyamen are here, evil shall not prosper!"
"Great Saiyaman I!"
"Great Saiyaman II!"
It doesn't work out.

Seeing this isn't the kind of enemy he can fight normally, Gohan pulls out the powers unlocked by Grand Kaioshin aka Ol' Dirty Bastard to become Ultimate Gohan!

(Circa 1998, it didn't get cooler than these images on the internet.)


Gohan engages in a fierce battle with the monster legs, and finds its ghostly form becomes most vulnerable to attack shortly after it attacks. Yet it isn't until the familiar sound of Tapion's ocarina plays that the monster legs disperse into the night air.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
(What an intense guy.)


Over the course of the next couple days, despite Tapion's brooding, Trunks keeps bringing him food. Tapion doesn't seem to be eating, but Trunks doesn't seem to mind, taking to call him Big Bro whenever he sees him. Trunks, according to Bulma, has always been a bit jealous of Goten having a big brother like Gohan, and given that Tapion is about the coolest thing a prepubescent boy can imagine, he really wants him as his own big bro.

But there's a reason Tapion is so weary and stand-offish...
... when he accidentally slips into sleep for the first time since his unsealing,
... the monster's top half suddenly bursts out of him!
Using his ocarina, he subdues the beast.

The next evening comes by and Trunks once again brings food to Tapion. But Hoi pays him a visit as well, striking like an old ninja and knocking the ocarina from his hand!


Trunks grabs the ocarina, but as he gets ready to toss it to Tapion, Hoi interjects that Tapion isn't truly a hero... he's the monster that will bring about a calamity on Earth.

However, no one could ever trust this face.
So Trunks give the ocarina to Tapion, causing Hoi to flee.

Grateful, Tapion relaxes around Trunks, and asks him to stay and eat with him. It isn't long before the two are good pals.

Trunks even brings Tapion back to Capsule Corp., to play with his Dr. Slump toys.


As Tapion tucks Trunks into bed, Trunks asks him about his own family, if he has a brother, and what his world is like. Tapion says he did have a little brother, Minoshia. And their world, Conuts, is remarkably like Earth. Yet things weren't always peaceful on his world...



Trunks sleeps and Tapion makes his way to quietly leave. Bulma catches him and offers him a room to stay in, but Tapion insists he cannot. However, now that he's thinking of his world, and finding that this is a family he can trust, Tapion tells Bulma his story. And the story of Hildegarn.


Long ago, a group of wicked Warlocks from unknown space came to Conuts. They found an ancient, holy totem, which was used to absorb the evil will of that world. Infusing it with their wicked energy, they transformed this holy artifact into the monstrous phantom, Hildegarn. Hoi was a member of that order, and will stop at nothing to gain control over Hildegarn to use as a means of dominating the universe.


But there were items that could control the holy totem, given to Tapion and Minoshia by their Kami-sama to fight back against the beast.

With their holy ocarina, the brothers froze Hildegarn in place...
... while a priest took up a divine blade to slice Hildegarn in two.

Using the ocarinas, Minoshia and Tapion absorbed one half of Hildegarn's body each into themselves, and were sealed in music boxes. The music boxes were sent to separate galaxies, so that the warlocks might never reunite Hildegarn. But that the phantom's bottom half is already on Earth means that Minoshia is dead.

Despite this, Bulma still refuses to turn Tapion away, and insists he stay with them. She still has the broken pieces of his music box, so she offers to make him a "bedroom" with the same sealing mechanism applied to it, so he may sleep.

It only takes her a day to achieve this.
Science!
... buuuuut she shoulda double-checked her work, because it doesn't work out.

At length, Hoi's machinations lead to the rebirth of a completely revived Hildegarn!

Luckily, Team Dragon Ball Z joins the fight!

Goku shoots his token Kamehameha of the movie at the phantom...
... who, predictably, phantoms away.
Then he mercs Goku.

But before he can merc anyone else, a familiar voice rings out across the skyline!!
"Smash up another man's house, will you?! Now I'm furious!"

or for those of you watching in 1997 on bad fansubs,
(I can't believe I still have these. Thanks Anime Labs.)

Fucking pissed off Furiously, Vegeta attacks Hildegarn!!
... but just gets fucking merc'd.
He does manage to save a bunch of office workers by using all of his ki to shield them, though.
"Alright, I'm about as anti-hero as Bryan Singer's Wolverine right now."

Don't worry, though - the boys still have Fusion!
Instantly, they become Super Gotenks 3!
And using the Continuous DIE DIE Missile, he nearly puts Hildegarn down.
But instead...
... an even crazier and stronger Hildegarn comes out of the one Gotenks killed.
(Ever since Freeza, every one of these motherfuckers has to have a transformation.)

This new Hildegarn is so strong that he punches Gotenks' Fusion apart.
(Take that, continuity!)
Then he slaps Gohan into the ground.
Shoots Videl at a wall.
And when Goku gets back up for round two,
mercs him yet again.


It's only Tapion's ocarina that can subdue the phantom beast. Once more, Tapion absorbs the essence of the phantom, only this time he absorbs all of him. Since no one could contain such a powerful phantom forever, his only option is to die with Hildegarn inside of him... killing them both. To do that, Tapion offers his sword to Trunks.


Trunks doesn't want to do it. But Tapion's comforting words soothe him, and he steels himself to be a hero. A hero like his Big Bro.

Only before he can strike, the more powerful and complete Hildegarn breaks free.
"Sup?"
Also he smashes Hoi to death. No loose ends in a DBZ movie, y'know.

But Hildegarn isn't the only one who's back!!
Son Goku, Super Saiyan 3, enters the fight!

Trunks hacks off Hildegarn's tail with Tapion's sword,
and then Goku employs Gohan's attack strategy.
He waits for the phantom to attack and become vulnerable...
... then he whips out his brand new finishing move...
The Ryu-ken!
A dragon of pure ki bursts from Goku's punch, resembling Shen Long,
and coils itself around Hildegarn before exploding him into cosmic dust.
Rad one-off attack, Goku. Now let's put it as your finishing move in every single video game.


With peace restored and Tapion's mission complete, Bulma lends him the Time Machine so he may go back to the era he once lived in, in peace. Before he goes, he gives his holy sword to Trunks. It looks suspiciously like the sword the Trunks from the future timeline used against Freeza... but if that were true, then somehow Hoi got Hildegarn free using some other method... and that Future Trunks probably had to stab Tapion to death with his sword, since there was no Goku around to save the day.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

"I'll never really be gone, Trunks. Just wait three years, and any time this incident with Hildegarn is discussed on the internet, people will only want to talk about me and my relative similarities to a video game that will come out that year."
"I don't know what any of that means!"

THREE YEARS LATER...

"I know exactly what he means."



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