Top Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' (DBZ Movie 15) by top Blogger

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Top Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' (DBZ Movie 15) by top Blogger


Age 762 (17 years ago)
"I swear to god..."
"... I'm going to kill every Saiyan."

Age 763 (16 years ago)
 "I swear to god..."
"I'm GOING to kill every Saiyan!"

Age 767 (12 years ago)
 "I swear to god..."
"... I'm going to kill EVERY SAIYAN!"

Age 774 (5 years ago)
"I SWEAR TO GOD"
"I'M GOING TO KILL... EVERY SAIYAN!!!"

Age 779 (Today)
"Once I get out of here, you'll see... you'll all see."
"... that I WILL kill EVERY Saiyan!!!"

Deep space.
"Sorbet-sama!"
"We've finally received word from Planet Freeza #27, where the rebels attacked."
"...and what did the message say?"
"Um, well, sir, keep in mind, there's been a lot of fighting lately. Emotions are high. People are more likely to say some pretty nasty things."
"... What did the message SAY, Captain?"
"Ahem... 'Sorbet has no dick.'"
"..."
"Fuck this, let's revive Freeza."

After the battle of Planet Namek, and subsequent invasion of Earth, the Freeza Force has been without a proper and disciplined chain of command. Over time, command fell to Sorbet - an officer in the Third Stellar Region of the Freeza Force. Without the ruthless cunning of Freeza and his father King Cold (and the uh, flying around with just three bros in short pants Grecian-style masculinity and sexual fluidity of Coola) their once great army of gangsters, feared by the Galactic Patrol and acknowledged by Beerus the Destroyer, has fallen into utter disarray.

All that remains is Sorbet, 1,000 soldiers, and his Zarbon and Dodoria-esque bodyguards,
Tagoma
and Shisami.

During this time of strife, Sorbet has searched for the Namekians throughout the universe, so that he might gather the Dragon Balls and revive Freeza. But the New Planet Namek eludes him. And for too long, Earth hasn't been an option, as the human woman who can find the Dragon Balls is too close with the Super Saiyan who put down Freeza, and more alarmingly since then, even the fearsome Majin Boo.

But recently, Sorbet discovered there's another group, who can find the Dragon Balls...


Sorbet and Tagoma leave for Earth to track down Pilaf, Shuu, and Mai. The rest of their force is left behind, so the Earthlings who beat Freeza won't sense their power with their strange presence-seeking abilities.

Pilaf Co., being as wimpy as they are, get easily strong armed into the whole thing.

"... Why am I feeling a sudden sense of deja vu?"

Meanwhile, at Gohan and Videl's house...

"Shen Long...?"
"... Someone gathered the Dragon Balls. Should we see who, Piccolo-san?"
"Naaaaah."


Shen Long is summoned by Pilaf, at the behest of Sorbet. Approaching the Dragon God, Sorbet asks if he can revive his Lord, Freeza.

"Uh, I could."
"... but he's kind of... in pieces."
"He's still in pieces? But if he's fully formed in Hell, wouldn't that mean his body was restored?"
"It's not even nine minutes into this movie, sir. If you're going to overthink things this early, we're going to have a bad time."
"Fuck it, bring him back in bits!"
ploop

With the mangled remains of Freeza, Tagoma and Sorbet head back to their mothership, where Freeza is placed in their new regeneration tank.


"Gentlemen..."
"... let's go spank us some monkeys."

Sorbet had been waiting for this moment for a long time. The day when Freeza would return, and put the Freeze Force back to its former glory. But the Overlord he served two decades ago isn't the same man anymore, revived or not. Freeza could care less about achieving intergalactic dominance through the trading of planets, or being an immortal tyrannical ruler. Freeza lives only for revenge.

And to get it, he'll go into training for the first time in his life. For four months, he'll put his naturally gifted strength to the ultimate test to draw out his latent abilities. And then, he'll kill Son Goku, and every other Saiyan.

"... that's it? We wished you back so you're gonna do a few squats and try to kill the dude who beat your ass last time? Seriously?"
"... anyone else want to talk shit? No?"
"Then get me my Mix Tape."


A few months later, above Earth...


... Jaco, of the Galactic Patrol, returns to the planet of his friends, the Brief family, with a warning about Freeza's oncoming invasion. But he gets momentarily stymied by his inability to deal with corporate bureaucracy. Thankfully, Dr. Brief is there to rescue him.

"Hey Jaco! Want to come watch Finding Nemo with me?"
"Uh... sure?"
"Such an amazing film. Pixar truly outdid the limits of CGI."
"Doc, this is just your Koi pond."

But the momentary distraction is cut off as Bulma arrives to see what it is Jaco wants.

"Hey, Jaco. How long as it been? One, two... three decades?"
"... Aren't humans supposed to age? You look the same as when you were 16, just with Mom Jeans."
"Rich people don't age, Jaco."

Jaco informs Bulma of Freeza's impending arrival and asks her to summon the man who defeated him. Unfortunately, that's impossible, as her Future son Trunks did the job last time, and he traveled back to his own timeline. Here, he's just a kid. Jaco begins to shit himself over time travel laws as Bulma makes to summon Son Goku and Vegeta, who are off training with Whis. How do you summon Whis?

With ice cream.
(Me too.)

Meanwhile in Satan City, two bank robbers are about to learn there's a new law in town.

And his name is Kuririn.

As Freeza is only an hour away from invading the Earth with 1,000 soldiers, Bulma makes the rounds contacting the old crew.

"Bulma sent me a text?"
"Freeza's back... and he's coming to Earth?! Shit!"
"Shouldn't I come, too? I'm stronger than most of you guys."
"Nah, somebody has to do the domestic stuff. And I have a penis, so it isn't going to be me."



Deep in the cosmos, Son Goku and Vegeta train with Whis.

And the animation looks like this.
This movie had a $5,000,000 budget.



After failing to do much to Whis, their teacher scolds them for thinking with their brains instead of their bodies. Only when each part of themselves reacts as if with a mind of its own, can their reaction times keep up with him... a skill not even Beerus has mastered.

"But Whis, you're stepping in poop."
"... Shoes don't have a mind of their own!"
(Stay classy, Dragon Ball.)


Whis then drills into them that Goku is too relaxed and Vegeta is wound too tight. And that if they could work together, they could overcome Beerus... But Whis doesn't think they'd ever do that.

Which is a weird thing in this movie. Whis and Beerus, and to a lesser point Vegeta, keep harping on about how Goku and Vegeta would ~never work together~, to their detriment. It's played up as a key plot point for this whole film, and left as a thread to be resolved with future storylines. Except it was already resolved, and in the most satisfactory way of any of Dragon Ball's long running plots.


Which isn't to say there's no interesting ground left to take these characters... but this movie doesn't try to advance their story, it just pretends the Boo Saga never happened. Especially with the way Whis and Beerus talk about the duo, as if them teaming up is some impossible scenario.

But I guess if the Boo Saga taught us anything, Gods in DB are pretty dumb.


Speaking of dumb gods, Beerus suddenly wakes up and enters the story, and Food Jokes begin and suddenly I'm flashing back to Battle of Gods and I want out.

Back on Earth, Freeza has arrived...

"What the hell is that?!" "Don't tell me it's aliens AGAIN!" "Fucking dammit!"
"There's no point in resisting. Only by embracing our death at the hand of these extraterrestrials can we know peace." 
"... What the fuck, Cindy."
"Good golly, I love being evil."

With the flick of a finger, Freeza vaporizes Metro North; His own personal 'calling card' so that Son Goku and the other Saiyans will come out and face him.

Piccolo and Gohan are the first to arrive.
Followed shortly by the Bald Squad, Kuririn, Kame Sen'nin, and Tenshinhan.
(Trunks, Goten, Majin Boo, Yamcha, and Chaozu couldn't be reached for comment.)
Finally, Bulma and Jaco arrive, bringing news that Goku and Vegeta may be late.

With the teams set, it's time for the ultimate match up...
...the Z Fighters vs the Freeza Force!

And it's fucking awesome.
So fucking awesome.


At length, our heroes beat the 1,000 invaders, leaving only Freeza and Sorbet left alive. Well, actually, the Z Fighters, especially Gohan, weren't fighting to kill.

But Freeza blows them up anyway.
'Cus, y'know. Evil.
Then he punches Gohan so hard, his heart stops.
Thankfully, Piccolo recently saw DBE, and saw that you could use ki to restart someone's heart.

(Intentional or not, this movie just made a DBE reference, and I'm weeping.)

Back on Beerus's world, the Oracle Fish drops by with a message.

"Hey, guys."
"You're missing the whole plot."

Hearing that Freeza has been revived, powered up, and returned to Earth where the others are fighting him, Goku and Vegeta need to leave in a hurry via Goku's Instantaneous Movement.

"Vegeta, take my hand!"
"What? Why? Can't I just grab your shoulder or whatever like normal?"
"There's no time! We're contractually obligated to put Queer Baiting in this movie!"
"Hah! Gay!"

While Freeza has no intention of letting any of them survive, his primary target is Son Goku. 

"Last time, you took me off guard, so I spent too many episodes drawing out my various forms."
"... But this movie is too long already!!!"

With Freeza in his final form, the long awaited rematch of Goku vs Freeza is upon us. The Earth trembles as the two fighters square off, going into battle stance and raising their ki.

History's greatest rivalry...
... is about to be unleashed!

Doink
Donk
Durnk

Huh. Well. Okay then.

Seeing as the fight is boring, Vegeta decides to spice it up...
... by punching Goku in the head.
While to a normal viewer, this is a classic brotherly exchange between our heroes...
... Freeza totally misreads the situation.
♥♥♥ "Vegeta-san still loves me!" ♥♥♥

Freeza dismisses Vegeta by once again insisting it's revenge on Son Goku he's after, to which Goku says Vegeta can just wait his turn. With that, Goku and Freeza decide to finally stop playing warm up. Both have far evolved beyond their current selves, and now's the time to duke it out, as history's greatest rivals!

Goku reveals what happens when a Super Saiyan and a Super Saiyan God mix... and a Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan is born. Which is a simply awful name.
Then Freeza demonstrates how he can transform one time more than  his brother Freeza before. His newest, ultimate form... Golden Freeza.

At last, history's greatest rivals...
... are about to be unleashed... again!

Doink
Donk
Durnk


As Golden Freeza smacks SSJGSSJ Blue Goku around, Beerus and Whis show up on the planet to finally eat that ice cream they were promised. This has the same effect on the narrative flow and dramatic tension of this movie, that your grandmother walking into your bedroom has on your masturbating.

Beerus and Whis Food Jokes make your dick soft. That's what I'm saying.


But even as Vegeta shouts for Goku to finally stand aside and give him his turn, Goku announces that they've both seen through Golden Freeza's fatal weakness; He isn't used to his new form and it's taking a toll on his ki. Freeza announces that if that's so, he'll just have to kill Goku quickly, then.

And once more, history's all time greatest rivalry...
... is about to be unleashed. Again... again.

Doink
Donk
Durnk


Back at the Food Jokes, Whis and Beerus fight over the grossest variety of 'berry, and Beerus drops the bombshell that he gave Freeza permission to destroy Planet Vegeta. So not only is Beerus making the viewer's dick soft, his exposition is castrating one of the coolest plots in fantasy fiction.

He's like someone's terrible OC in a Dragon Ball fanfic, only he's real. Ugh.

Back at the plot, Freeza finds himself utterly beaten.
"... fuck it, I'm cheating."
"Still evil, or did you forget?"

Rather than take the glory of killing Son Goku for himself, Freeza invites his waifu Vegeta to take the kill instead.

"So, uh, this is weird, right? Total reversal of last time."


In the plot twist even those dumb babies Dragon Ball GT was made for weren't even fooled into believing for a second, Vegeta, le gasp, doesn't want to kill Goku. Instead he lets Kuririn come over and give Goku the last Senzu and kills Sorbet for good measure.

Then he shows Freeza that he, too, is a Legendary Super Saiyan... God Super Saiyan.

Finally, the fight we've all been waiting for since 1990.
Super Saiyan Vegeta vs Freeza.

Doink
Donk
Durnk
(I, uh... I don't know what I was expecting.)

With Freeza beaten...
... Vegeta needs only strike the final blow.
"Still evil, still cheating."
Ba-koom

Freeza blows up Earth because, y'know, he can survive in space. Everyone knew that about him. Yet both Goku and Vegeta dicked around instead of killing him. But thankfully, Whis, the God of the Machine himself, can turn back time.

(Suck it, Cher.)

But Whis's time travel is totally different from Trunks's time travel, because, uh, well. It needs to be?

"FREEEEZZZZAAAAAAAA!!!"
"KAME... HAME... HAAAAAAAA!!!"
"I SWEAR TO GOD..."
"... I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY SAIYAN!!!!"


And everyone lives happily and poorly animatedly ever after.

Except...

Age 790 (11 years later)
 "I swear to GOD I'm GOING TO..."
"... y'know what? Fuck it. I quit."


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